Dad is in hospice, but I've been drinking

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  • Westcoastgirl's picture
    Dad is in hospice, but I've been drinking
    Westcoastgirl says (07 Dec '12)

    Wouldn't you know it, we love our spirits on the weekend but take it easy on weekdays. Well tonight we popped bottle of bubbly to celebrate work milestone, then had wine with dinner; all at home so no worrying about driving. Then I get call from niece about my dad, whom was recently moved from nursing home to hospice, "it is only a matter of time". I felt torn, I should go, but it wouldn't be responsible, so we did not and won't. I honestly felt like last time I saw him was my last good-bye and I'd like to keep it that way; but now I feel guilty for not being there with my mom and other family members. Any thoughts?

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Westcoastgirl's picture
Submitted by Westcoastgirl
on Fri, 12/07/2012 - 2:26am

Wouldn't you know it, we love our spirits on the weekend but take it easy on weekdays. Well tonight we popped bottle of bubbly to celebrate work milestone, then had wine with dinner; all at home so no worrying about driving. Then I get call from niece about my dad, whom was recently moved from nursing home to hospice, "it is only a matter of time". I felt torn, I should go, but it wouldn't be responsible, so we did not and won't. I honestly felt like last time I saw him was my last good-bye and I'd like to keep it that way; but now I feel guilty for not being there with my mom and other family members. Any thoughts?

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Westcoastgirl's picture

Sat, 12/08/2012 - 1:30am — Westcoastgirl

Thanks everyone for letting me vent, appreciate all comments. It turned out to be best I didn't go last night, my sister called later and told me he was doing better. I went tonight and had time alone with one of my other sisters and brother in law who I don't get chance to see often; long story but my sister and my mom had falling out over ten years ago because of something that happened between her husband and one of my other sisters. No one else in family has held anything against my sister or her husband, especially my dad, but my mom won't let it go. Anyway, my dad woke up a couple times,I think he recognized us, but went right back to sleep. I'm comforted to know he recognized me when I kissed him goodbye and he's in a very nice facility with very kind people who are keeping him comfortable.

KRSVal's picture

Sat, 12/08/2012 - 8:46am — KRSVal

So glad to hear.

1bbshirlee's picture

Fri, 12/07/2012 - 9:34am — 1bbshirlee

Do you follow your brain or your heart, is a question I suggel with DAILY.
I belive,...well duhh,.you have to choose your battels. Look at it in "long terms"
Is it worth all costs
or can it wait
Anybody in my opion that can live past eighty and be in respectable heath both physical and finicaily
Gets EVERY Bit of my respect
FOLLOW YOUR HEART
NO MATTER
WHO
or
WHAT

bluesuedeshoe's picture

Fri, 12/07/2012 - 9:00am — bluesuedeshoe

If you were unable to drive responsibly then, in my opinion, you did the right thing. I couldn't be there when my Mom passed and you hurt terribly no matter whether you are there or not. The rest of the family was there for her, and that was what mattered. She passed into the grace of God surrounded by those who loved her.

Beckxy's picture

Fri, 12/07/2012 - 8:28am — Beckxy

My husband's dad is on hospice care as well. My husband has slowed down his appearances and calls. I try and not question if he has called or seen him each day.... don't wanna make him feel bad because I know he can't handle seeing his father like this and talking the way he is (he wants to give up). He's told me what he's said to him... like he called him up on his birthday (my husband's) and said to him thank you for giving me life, for I wouldn't of been graced with such a GOOD life. Makes me tear up just thinking about it. When he was in the hospital, I visited him with my husband and gave him a very long hug and looked him in the eye... and we both shook our heads yes. I pretty much was saying with my eyes... thank you for giving me such a wonderful husband and please know I will take care of your son for the rest of my days... yet I just couldn't come out with it and speak those words as I didn't want it to sound like my ending peace... because I wanted to keep faith and hope alive, ya know. It's so hard to figure out the things that we do, WCG.. especially times like these.. never been through them before.. don't want to go through them. I think you are doing the right thing and handling it the way you feel you can. I have another relative who has been fighting brain cancer all his life, 2nd cousin whom we were not very close with but mom used to take us to visit when we were young a lot. My mom and their mom are cousins. He's now 40 and took a turn for the worse... tumor grown at the bottom and forced him paralyzed on the one side. The family is very open and wants distant family to visit him.. where as my sibling wants to remember him in the good times.. and can't manage to go see him. Like Val said... we all handle it different ways... I don't think there's a right or wrong here.. you do what you can, hugs

KRSVal's picture

Fri, 12/07/2012 - 7:28am — KRSVal

People handle grief in many different ways..I can see your point, not driving if you have been drinking...
but I would try to go back if there is still time. Even if your Dad is unconscious, he may still be able to hear you, feel your presence.. and yes your Mom and family may need you now.
This is a difficult time for everyone, sometimes best handled together. Just my 2 cents--I went thru this 10 years ago around this time with my own Dad (cancer)..
God Bless