I just wanted to share. For me, everything is so good right now. Not ideal, but good. I seem to have a whole new outlook on life in general and I think for the first time in the last, too many years to count, Im actually happy. Not sure why because nothing has really changed for me personally.
I think it started when I reached the breaking point with my baby sister and was finally able to break the feeling of being responsible and needing to be there. As the oldest of four, when my parents divorced (we were 12, 9, 4 & 1) I sort of became an instant surrogate mother and apparently took that responsibility to heart and wrapped my whole life around being there and doing what I could. With both of my sisters being single parents, I think I then transferred my sense of responsibility to them and being there and doing the extra things, for the boys, that their mothers were unable to. However, with my baby sister and her youngest (by then I had accepted the fact I would never have a child of my own) one I think I went too far in the being there and she just plain took advantage of my willingness to help out. It took 10 years but I finally reached the breaking point. After blowing up at her and informing her I had nothing left to give, my outlook began to change because I began to shed that feeling of being responsible and needing to be there. Since shedding that feeling I also dont seem to be as angry with her all the time. I wont go into everything, but she is truly a baby of the family with ALL the negative aspects of that title.
I think another part is the family, as a whole, finally getting through the grief process. Starting in 2004, it seemed we had a death in the family every 6 to 10 months (a beloved uncle - 2004, my grandmother -2004, a close cousin - 2005, my daddy - Thanksgiving time 2006 and then my sister Oct 2007). They just seemed to pile up faster than we could get through the grief process. This really was the best Christmas in three years. Mom was actually interested in decorating and seemed to enjoy it for the first time since 07.
There are other reasons I think my outlook changed, but those really are the two biggest ones. It really is nice to finally not feel responsible for things in the life of my sister and nephews. I think for the first time in over two decades my life really is all about me. Since Im single and have no children Im okay with that as it will not take away from someone else.
For me, this is going to be a very good year. At least I dont have any other negative aspects or all the anger I used to have to complicate or add to anything bad should it occur this year.
Anyway, I just felt like I wanted to share which is rare thing for me as I generally tend to be a VERY private person. I guess I feel safe here.